Forgive me...

As the summer comes to its end, I wait impatiently for the end of September. How is it that the one holiday in the Jewish calendar that I used to hate as a child, is now my most favorite?
And as Yom Kippur comes closer, feelings of uncertainty arise, like the once before a scary ride at Six Flags: you know you will be OK, and yet, you are apprehensive about how it will be. I am not sure what it is. Do I miss my Blackberry? It is the fast? Is it being at synagogue for so many hours without a change of scenery?

When the sun is high in the sky, and the sugar levels in my blood are low, my heart opens. At that point, I sometimes half-hallucinate that my family is next to me. It is always first my father; he wraps his Talit around my shoulders and holds me strong, as he always does when we are in Synagogue. And in ברכת כוהנים he places his Talit over our heads and we make a little tent. Then my mother joins, and my siblings. Some have never been to a synagogue before and now they are here with me. Last are the dead once, as if wrapping their arms around us. Maybe I should drink more water before the fast next year.

A few months ago I practiced Yoga Nidra with a class. Yoga Nidra means yogic sleep, a state of conscious deep sleep for extreme relaxation and subtler spiritual exploration. When we arose from the “sleep” we were all shaken up. I felt scared and alone; my friend Cori was crying. As you lie on the floor, withdrawing sense after sense, you stop seeing the black background that you see even when your eyes are closed and stop hearing the quiet hum that you hear even when you plug in earplugs. You actually don’t feel. It is an experience close to death. It reminds us that we are human, and that we, like everything else on earth, are temporary. That can be scary. On Yom Kippur we are reminded of our mortality. Depriving our bodies from water and food, and the senses that we indulge on, the scripts tell us of the ways that we can find our death this year.

ונתנה תקף קדושת היום כי הוא נורא ואיום, ובו תנשא מלכותך ויכון בחסד כסאך, ותשב עליו באמת. אמת כי אתה הוא דיין ומוכיח ויודע ועד, וכותב וחותם וסופר ומונה. ותזכר כל הנשכחות, ותפתח ספר הזכרונות, ומאליו יקרא וחותם יד כל אדם בו.

ובשופר גדל יתקע וקול דממה דקה ישמע, ומלאכים יחפזון וחיל ורעדה יאחזון, ויאמרו הנה יום-הדין. לפקוד על צבא מרום בדין, כי לא יזכו בעיניך בדין. וכל באי עולם יעברון לפניך כבני מרון. כבקרת רועה עדרו מעביר צאנו תחת שבטו, כן תעביר ותספור ותמנה ותפקוד נפש כל חי. ותחתך קצבה לכל בריה ותכתב את גזר דינם.

בראש השנה יכתבון וביום צום כיפור יחתמון, כמה יעבורון וכמה יבראון. מי יחיה ומי ימות, מי בקיצו ומי לא בקיצו. מי במים ומי באש, מי בחרב ומי בחיה, מי ברעב ומי בצמא, מי ברעש ומי במגפה, מי בחניקה ומי בסקילה, מי ינוח ומי ינוע, מי ישקט ומי יטרף, מי ישלו ומי יתיסר, מי יעשיר ומי יעני, מי ישפל ומי ירום.

ותשובה ותפלה וצדקה - מעבירין את רוע הגזרה

כי כשמך כן תהלתך, קשה לכעוס ונוח לרצות. כי לא תחפץ במות המת, כי אם בשובו מדרכו וחיה, ועד יום מותו תחכה לו, אם ישוב מיד תקבלו. אמת כי אתה הוא יוצרם ואתה יודע יצרם, כי הם בשר ודם. אדם יסודו מעפר וסופו לעפר, בנפשו יביא לחמו. משול כחרס הנשבר, כחציר יבש וכציץ נובל, כצל עובר וכענן כלה, וכרוח נושבת וכאבק פורח, וכחלום יעוף.

ואתה הוא מלך אל חי וקיים

אין קצבה לשנותיך ואין קץ לאורך ימיך, ואין שעור למרכבות כבודך, ואין לפרש עילום שמך. שמך נאה לך, ואתה נאה לשמך, ושמנו קראת בשמך. עשה למען שמך, וקדש את שמך על מקדישי שמך. בעבור כבוד שמך הנערץ והנקדש, כסוד שיח שרפי קדש המקדישים שמך בקדש, דרי מעלה עם דרי מטה קוראים ומשלשים בשִלוּש קדשה בקֹדֶש".

"The great shofar is sounded... A still small voice is heard...Even the angels are frightened... the Day of Judgment is here...
Who shall live? And who shall die?Who shall find rest? And who shall be restless?Who shall be raised up? And who shall be humbled?Who shall be rich? And who shall be poor?
“On Rosh HaShana they are written, And on Tsom Yom Kippur they are sealed.
How many shall pass, and how many created:
Who shall live and who shall die;
Who in their time and who not in their time;
Who by water And who by fire;
Who by the sword And who by a beast;
Who by hunger And who by thirst;
Who by disaster And who by sickness;
Who by strangling And who by stoning;
Who will rest And who will wander;
Who will be go peacefully And who will go violently;
Who will be calm And who will be harried;
Who will be poor And who will be rich;
Who will be degraded And who will be exalted.

By repentance, prayer and charity Remove the evil of the decree.

As for Man, he comes from dustAnd to dust he shall return..."

Man is like... Grass that withers... A flower that fades... A shadow that passes..."

As the day ends, we sing a hymn from Psalm 27, 4:

אַחַת, שָׁאַלְתִּי מֵאֵת-יְהוָה-- אוֹתָהּ אֲבַקֵּשׁ:
שִׁבְתִּי בְּבֵית-יְהוָה, כָּל-יְמֵי חַיַּי;
לַחֲזוֹת בְּנֹעַם-יְהוָה, וּלְבַקֵּר בְּהֵיכָלוֹ.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,to behold the graciousness of the Lord, and to visit early in His temple.

Singing this hymn always gets me very emotional. What is it about dwelling in the Lord’s house? What is his graciousness?

Last year I was thinking hard about forgiveness. It is actually easier to forgive someone that has obviously done you wrong. But what about those people you are mad or angry at, but for reasons that are beyond their control. You know they have done no wrong to you. What about those people that are mad at you, but you know in your heart you have done no wrong to them.

A year has past, and as I was hearing the cantor singing “may I dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,” I remembered that last year I found no good answers to my concerns of forgiveness. I looked at those painful relationships again and smiled. Over the last year, I kept my cry to the Lord to dwell in his house close to my heart, and there I beheld his grace: awareness, compassion, patience and love. One can’t always solve heartbreaking situations. Sometimes, all you can do is strive to be close to the Lord, so you can learn from him. Actively practice awareness, compassion, patience and love towards the people you can not solve difficulties with, and you might find out that with time, you will be dwelling in the house of the Lord together, again.